Presence Over Perfection: Rethinking Our Relationships with Food and Each Other

By Lane Edwards

In a culture driven by optimisation—macros, mindfulness, and curated joy—it's easy to forget that nourishment is more than nutrients. It's about presence. Just like our relationships with others, our relationship with food thrives not through perfection, but through attunement, reciprocity, and emotional safety.

Food as Relationship, Not Transaction

As a dietitian, I've seen countless clients chase the "perfect" diet. They count, restrict, and perform wellness rituals with precision. But beneath the surface, many feel disconnected—from their bodies, their meals, and the people they eat with.

Evidence from intuitive eating research shows that rigid control often backfires. Tylka and Kroon Van Diest (2013) found that intuitive eating—responding to hunger, fullness and emotional cues—was associated with lower disordered eating behaviours and greater psychological wellbeing. In other words, presence works better than performance.

The Parallels Between Food and Human Connection

The way we eat often mirrors the way we relate:

Relational Pattern	Food Parallel	Impact
Avoidance	Skipping meals, numbing with food	Disconnection from hunger and emotion
Over-Functioning	Overplanning meals, rigid control	Anxiety, loss of joy
Performative Care	Cooking for show, not intimacy	Lack of emotional nourishment
Attuned Presence	Eating slowly, savouring, sharing	Regulation, connection, satisfaction

Just as relationships suffer when we prioritise image over intimacy, our bodies suffer when meals become performance. The goal isn't to impress—it's to connect.

Evidence-Based Insight: Why Presence Heals

Research in nutritional psychiatry supports this. Jacka et al., 2017, in the SMILES trial, demonstrated that a whole-food diet rich in vegetables, legumes, and lean proteins, significantly reduced symptoms of major depression. But the real magic? Meals were shared, prepared with care, and eaten with emotional attunement.

Mindfulness-based eating interventions have demonstrated clinical efficacy in addressing disordered eating behaviors. Kristeller and Wolever (2011) found that Mindfulness-Based Eating Awareness Training (MB-EAT) significantly reduced binge eating episodes and enhanced emotional regulation among participants. These outcomes suggest that cultivating present-moment awareness during meals may support both psychological wellbeing and physiological regulation, reinforcing the therapeutic value of attuned eating practices.

And commensality—the act of eating together—has deep cultural and emotional roots. Fischler (2011) argues that shared meals foster social cohesion and identity, reinforcing that food is never just fuel. It's a relational act.

Presence—whether at the table, in conversation, or even online—activates the parasympathetic nervous system. It slows us down, improves digestion, and fosters emotional regulation. This shift from sympathetic arousal to parasympathetic calm is essential for both nutrient absorption and emotional attunement, reinforcing that relational safety and embodied awareness are not just therapeutic—they’re biologically restorative.

What This Means in Practice

• Let go of "perfect" meals: A shared imbalanced meal with laughter nourishes more than a solo superfood salad eaten in silence.

• Eat with others when possible: Social eating improves mood, digestion, and even glycaemic control.

• Notice emotional hunger: If you're reaching for food when you're lonely, name it. That awareness is healing.

• Use food rituals to restore dignity: A cup of tea after a hard day, a lovingly packed lunch—these are acts of care, not performance.

Final Thought: Choose Connection

Whether you're navigating a relationship or a plate of food, the same truth applies: perfectionism is not the point. Presence is. Real nourishment comes from being seen, heard and fed—not just with nutrients, but with care. So next time you sit down to eat, think not "is this perfect?" but "am I here?".

References:

1. Jacka, F. N., O’Neil, A., Opie, R., Itsiopoulos, C., Cotton, S., Mohebbi, M., et al. (2017).

A randomised controlled trial of dietary improvement for adults with major depression (the ‘SMILES’ trial). BMC Medicine, 15(1), Article 23. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12916-017-0791-y

2. Tylka, T. L., & Kroon Van Diest, A. M. (2013).

The Intuitive Eating Scale–2: Item refinement and psychometric evaluation with college women and men. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 60(1), 137–153. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0030893

3. Kristeller, J. L., & Wolever, R. Q. (2011).

Mindfulness-based eating awareness training for treating binge eating disorder: The conceptual foundation. Eating Disorders, 19(1), 49–61. https://doi.org/10.1080/10640266.2011.533605

4. Fischler, C. (2011).

Commensality, society and culture. Social Science Information, 50(3–4), 528–548. https://doi.org/10.1177/0539018411413963